24-12-20 I had forgotten what M looked like! Prosopagnosia. She and E had biked up to Fairbanks in something like September (and where were A and Z?) and it took me many moments to identify her as the one speaking on the fine near-frozen morning.
Further exposition:
22-12-20 something about female vampires killing men and other inversions of patriarchy; the attempted military response having a reckoning as a result; looking at them, I felt inclined to fantasize, and somehow knew that if I did, I would be doing all of us a disservice, and then they would kill me
18-12-20 I went on a run with S T
18-11-20 I was female, driving around my mom’s RAV4 in the snowy twilit woods of something like the fringe of North Pole, until I got stuck in a ditch. The people who happened to pull me out then very gently and matter-of-factly abducted me, to help take care of their children. Somehow my first reaction was to believe that I hadn't really had anything more important to do and that at least now I could work on my childcare skills. Then I felt something like horror, realizing how little I was valuing my own agency.
Further exposition: and now I’m laughing
4-11-20 Chaga dreams. In some sort of American academic setting, possibly during a rainy power outage, some intense debate centered around various forms of romantic relationships. I recall it being nevertheless refreshing to hear so many perspectives represented.
25-10-20 A’s house was now one address farther south, and mine was now much like hers, with the addition of living moss on some of the floors, possibly some entrepreneurial extraterrestrials upstairs, some of E’s leftover artwork, and a server with an apparent capacity of several exabytes. My dad and I were working on the latter and I was marveling.
Further exposition:
22-10-20 I don't even. New frontiers in the grammar. Of relations.
A was keeping me company, undoubtedly teasing me, standing as the big spoon as I worked on something bent over slightly in a recess of what may have been an airport. Then along comes another partner of mine (of ours?) in a bit of a tizzy, reminding me strongly of me at a younger age, wanting to talk with me privately, to me and A’s confusion and amusement. Wow, I teased him about his insecurity at the time and in recollection. Anyway, we walked together to a spot overlooking a larger room, I saying his name (C?) an affectionately ostentatious number of times, he telling me about his feelings. Somehow I thought it would be most supportive to reassure him in a heavy Russian accent while riding a baggage conveyor.
Further exposition:
20-10-20 in various nondescript interior spaces J had a band and I was sternly advising her drummer for whatever reason
14-10-20 A got married! The pageantry of the occasion may have been ironic because she seemed to be as surprised as the rest of us. Then we all went halibut fishing. Then of course we went diving, and found some ruins.
4-10-20 At an upright piano in the basement of a church, J stood opposite me as I played, and we were arguing, or rather just upset, but aloud: something about observations we were sharing about each other. As an aside, I remember continuing to play as we spoke, even as J removed the front board on top as I used to, which is impressive concentration in hindsight. Anyway, I stopped and stood eventually, remembering an observation about myself from a month or more ago that I anticipated having in common and hoped would make peace: that being that I distrust myself often, which makes it even harder to trust others especially if they show me support and encouragement. The conversation calmed after that.
Further exposition: J removing the front board may have been goading. That I remember ripping a book of music over the top of her head, though, is completely unacceptable. A bad dream, yes; working on the underlying tendencies, also yes.
1-10-20 wandering through a ramshackle patchwork of a mansion, sunlit and wooden and otherwise endearing, possibly playing hide and seek with a great number of younger siblings; after a straight up janky staircase, I sit down by a woman who may have been an older sister
8-9-20 me and dad in a busy African market
21-8-20 seeing E M on my way through something like an airport, and sharing a very deep and intimate hug
11-8-20 living and dead Bergman family reunion in Fort Yukon, where the walls and floor and ceiling of farmor’s house were curved and wooden and ergonomically warped, and auntie had ivory teeth
9-8-20 using what appeared to be a vape pen in a long holder, I was going to have H locally and generally anesthetize me to remove my penis
24-7-20 The uncomfortable growth opportunities. First I came into an admittedly cozy reconfiguration of an English class (yes, probably Mrs. H’s again), with small lamps and cushions and fancy stationery for every desk, and still the fears of using my own voice, of even drafting the wrong thing, kept me frozen and without words. But unlike the real thing, I felt I also had a view from beyond the experience; agency; wiggle room. Before I could exercise it, I found myself in another scene: on another stage. Somehow, obviously on the day of a performance, my percussion section (collective or personal possessive? I guess we'll find out) and I were unrehearsed and unprepared, not yet having emptied the storage room for the eight or nine of us onto the stage. Again, the fears and stress. Somewhere between trips hauling heavy instruments I realized that none of us had concert attire, and then that our efforts were overlapping with the final dress rehearsal: we at last made it onstage to make the best of our remaining time, only to find the rest of the ensemble missing and their seats and music stands confusingly mirrored on both sides of the back curtain. I anticipated my body temperature dropping, and taking the whole experience home to lacquer it with shame. But instead, this time, something shifted, and I found myself just accepting the situation to the point that I probably altered the dream. The ensemble rejoined us for rehearsal after an apparent break, and as I was inadvisably trying to play a xylophone with a gong mallet, looking up to check my place on music that instead seemed to be uncut sheets of crumpled home-printed coupons, I realized that the rest of the group had no concert attire either! And that there was no conductor or audience! We were just humans making sound together amid common absurdities. So the rest of practice passed with blissful uneventfulness, and afterwards I exchanged laughter and hugs with my section-mates, who I wasn't afraid of mismanaging or being judged by anymore. We were, fully, peers. And last of whom, sweetly, turned out to be S, again.
Further exposition:
17-7-20 going on a walk on an unfinished gravel road which turned quickly into climbing up the sheer face of a mountain of the same stuff, then becoming at least behaviorally injured and feeling ashamed about having to tell someone. Oh fragility
Then I was hanging out with K and his family, probably, and laughing and working on my Bisayan. Problematic though
25-6-20 P F was telling one of his children how to safely break the speed limit on some Alaskan highway while I leaped and sprinted past, apparently in a joyous time loop
24-6-20 dancing like heck to unknown music and shaking my butt harder than ever before, interspersed with apparently jumping between stages with musicians below them
15-6-20 mostly evading two skirted adversaries running up and down stairs in industrial areas and jumping fearlessly off of ledges with a heavy blanket held high in each hand
30-5-20 finding public baths with my mom/dad, enjoying running through an otherwise harsh and dreary academic institution, playing unfamiliar stringed instruments with dad/mom in the back of absurdly high bleachers
Talking with A about hiking while making a bed together, then massaging her neck when she lies down on the floor on her back
?-5-20 Kian Harper, laughing and making plans and being brilliant
16-5-20 Probably in Italy, I was giving a test to several people individually, wandering about the old spacious room and enjoying the sunshine through the open windows and door as I did so. One of the people may have been C W, whom I may also have interrupted surreptitiously checking his phone.
Later, I enjoyed some gentle vertical grinding with a thick White woman.
Further exposition:
1-5-20 Traveling in dreams, it's free! Back in yet another reconfigured house of farmor’s, antie and the kids were buzzing; possibly blowing off steam after dinner, or possibly because of one of the bedroom doors metamorphosing into a portal to the heath near Stonehenge. I seemed to be in search of a cigar, for whatever reason. Antie helpfully directed me toward the portal, and I stepped from an Alaskan midwinter night to a candle-lit table at the very break of a summer dawn in the UK. Nearby, what appeared to be some dredge machinery disappeared into the darkness, and on a plate on the table, already lit, was the object of my search. I took two big hits, very matter-of-factly. I seemed to process my lack of familiarity with cigars in wondering how to put out the flames at the end, but after waving it vigorously back and forth, I was apparently satisfied, and set it back on the plate and returned home.
Further exposition:
14-4-20 In a class my dad was teaching, I apparently had a pressing need for seven upper-range glockenspiel bars. I ducked out of the room and, naturally, right onto the curtained periphery of an unfamiliar blue-lit stage abuzz with rehearsal preparations. And who should be there but S F? Already rehearsing with two tape-marked glockenspiel mallets in each hand, of course, she grinned and finished her phrase as I drummed my fingertips on her right shoulder in some wordless combination of greeting and request. She turned to grant it, the sound interwoven with the background of warm-ups, and I gently lifted my charges out of another smaller glockenspiel behind her to return with them to my classroom, where I set them on a cloth napkin.
Further exposition:
6-4-20 Turtles aren't supposed to be able to live outside of their shells. Vertebrae are important! C R and I realizing that the one we cared for had escaped without the majority of their shell, however, we begin searching guiltily for our impossibly naked reptile-friend through a quagmire of various interior spaces.
In other reveries, J O snuggled with me, as the big spoon, and it felt healing and good to share touch.
Further exposition: guilt is also important.
24-3-20 Yet again with the subterranean facility
24-3-20 Yet again with the subterranean facility
22-1-20 that one dreary, creepy, but seemingly irresistible and endless subterranean facility
20-1-20 using the nervous systems of two large green fictional insects to transfer or store music
13-1-20 gyrating arcade style meta games and avoidance of nightmares
16-11-19 L and I were harvesting wild foods in a forest when we happened upon a couple of putatively extinct species, one like a marmot and the other like a stag-moose or Irish elk. Later, in an unrelated scene, I ran joyfully through what I want to believe was an arcology but was more likely just a very large greenhouse and aquaponicum, marveling at a number of fictional crustaceans swimming in Arabic-looking formation among the roots of plants. I also disturbed a tray of soil containing many beetle-like ants.
Further exposition:
11-9-19 People had been writing on the skin of their bellies and then using a faceswap-analagous app to move the writing onto their faces. I was looking at typical images on a group chat. Straight up augury.
13-8-19 three cabins instead of boiler-apartment building, two possibly unfinished, the third a very small theater; leaves yellow, trying to figure out my daily routine, while Indigenous Turtle-Islanders of my age laugh and share about the work they did and food that they ate on some kind of awareness-raising campaign: I decide to work on my laptop by day in the Theater, then return to the former, on a stump standing desk, via a door in place of a driveway; dynamic background now shows an avalanche hitting the back of the sand dune
Further exposition:
11-8-19 Nepali kino
8-8-19 J housesitting
29-7-19 Surely among a host of other adventures less-memorable, I remember three, roughly.
I had my first experience of being a robot, at the outset. Likely on some kind of secret diplomatic mission of the galactic scale indicated, I seemed to be trying to contextualize and reunite two humans whose stories I recorded in the process. It was exciting: I was completely and empathically absorbed in my work. And traveling, between solar systems.
Vague sexy espionage times
Get out the vote campaign in a snowy mountain range driving or flying with friends, I become a Black woman with a hat and a cane as I enter Queen Latifah's house
27-7-19 seriously unsuccessful Game of hockey sack, S and friends playing in a house and talking about her hair highlights, fantastic creatures in the winter outside
26-7-19 Well. Cluttered garage tunnel-residence, Monsters?
3-3-19 S had a beard. Her mom and I were trying to figure out how or whether or not to talk to her about it. Serious business.
10-2-19 A small passionate character (hopefully an emerging version of myself) was running between tattered realities with scissors and thread as if to create a better one with their own hands.
22-1-19 I had been sent to find out what was going on with two mobile arcologies, one with white construction workers and their very impressive toolbelts and the other with people experiencing houselessness
6-11-18 fancy studio apartment mansion thing, basically a dispensary-museum of cannabis-edible miniature nature scene recreations; with cannabis pop-rocks!
24-5-18 S and or C were teaching me about caring for perinatal mothers and babies among some nice shoregrass somewhere
7-5-18 an entire birch forest, several km², was contained within a vast glass and steel facility; a group of humans traditionally lived within it, somewhat aware of the research conducted with and around them, also involving a species of marsupial cat; C W was of course involved :)
6-3-18 M and I geek out about music in the Galactica house in the laundry kitchen area, and we are warm and friendly
1-3-18 some former classmates and I get on a plane and are dropped off at various points on north America, I being in what is known as Florida and everyone west of me farther back in time the farther they are away for me
26-2-18 using a bathroom that anyone could use in the UAF art department; first time ecstatic, second feeling unreasonably undeserving
20-2-18 forgetting to do a puzzle involving strips of colored wax but having a mutually comprehensible conversation in English and French about Charles Trenet’s “Boum”
19-2-18 being in a museum walking a dog, remarking at seeing a celebrity outside walking their dog, and excited at the prospect of our dogs playing together, lol
17-2-18 I was a couple of different women in a room with no doors, apparently approaching myself and causing alarm, and of whom the second was Annie Clark of St. Vincent, who reminded me I didn't need to continue having this dream. So then I encouraged C R to join me on a bike trip in Europe.
Further exposition:
30-1-18 taking off in a small plane from the surface of a big lake covered in beautiful plant life, landing on a road on a hill, then on a partially frozen lake
26-1-18 THC tea in some apparently very attractive town
22-1-18 riding a cable car in Central Asian mountains, occasionally scraping against them
21-1-18 I attempted to prevent D from being arrested by Fish and Game officers in a white and blue model 2017 RAV4, possibly involving having fed a baby moose. I was then a student at Lathrop high school, being awoken from slumber on a couch by a bus driver who spilled tea on me. Then a fellow White transgender male with ALS and I were conversing by candlelight on the landing of some stairs about not blaming ourselves up for our condition. And finally, I was just another part of a drug-smuggling supply chain.
Further exposition:
10-1-18 B
9-1-18 P G playing a piano probably outside, made some mistakes, got up in frustration with me behind, K behind and then between me and P, who objecting to being followed made us laugh before explaining; somehow translating to a malevolent entity inside a VHS cassette inside a gallon Ziploc bag. I was trying to prevent its escape. Then snippet-cycles of the above
7-1-18 stoned on Juledag, bugs on screen
31-12-17 hiking, back route in desert
30-12-17 buying pizza for a school function, possibly high school; constructed biotic organism capable of self-dismemberment
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