22-12-22 hella sexual violence. I lived as a femme sex worker enduring abusive clients and sharing advice with others; I lived, live, beyond those relationships and feel my life balance on the knife point of abused and abuser and justice; I live as a femme-attracted masculine-socialized male-bodied nonbinary person deeply committed to healing, feeling a new retrospective
19-12-22 an elderly Indigenous islander was a US government employee, or perhaps we were navigating its bureaucracy together, and I was intimidated and also curious and patient
15-12-22 super-skipping, so that when I jump I’m almost flying
Doing murder in a jungle
13-12-22 talking about sexytimes with S, having more reverence for getting it thoroughly right in words first
5-12-22 wandering through an all-ages educational building to eventually mind the door of a performance space where Bill-Carman-esque persons are warming up on equally fantastic instruments
30-11-22 playing with a squirrel the size of a cat
29-11-22 two different elderly versions of J walk with me through an old sunlit house, upstairs to a carpeted room with a few legos on the floor and a computer possibly running the dream-simulation
28-11-22 moving in sex work spaces, enjoying apparent comfort/familiarity, the process of conversation, and the specificity of my needs, notably/newly; I see a group of beautiful humans of many genders dancing in a warm darkness, some with luminous outfits; spontaneously collaborating on a sexy scenario in conversation, pleasantly surprising both of us
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27-11-22 walking the floor and uneven stairs of a grocery store with T and others, often carrying large heavy boxes
21-11-22 surveying dark and flooded utility spaces with my mom
running up to wave away a young boy who was harassing a young girl, I accidentally tapped him on a round young cheek, sending him running to an authority in search of aid for his retribution, and I following at a calm walk, ready to explain myself
happening upon N and R talking in a rainy outdoor market somewhere in Europe, and greeted them warmly
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15-11-22 in full sibling mode, H and I moved through prison-like variations on WVHS’s kitchen and loading areas, sharing a sense of looming menace. Eventually we passed into an unfamiliar industrial kitchen space, where improbable cheese puff processes were going down, and became busy rolling away naked, partially dismembered versions of ourselves in wheelbarrows as they emerged from conveyor belts
Further exposition: bleh.
12-11-22 incest nightmare
4-11-22 running every which way in a Calypso farm of much greater size and scope: I ran errands and flew a few backwards V-for-victories/peace hand signs to the people I passed, sometimes leaping joyfully over garden beds and brushing up against cool lively plant bodies, and often involving adding or removing items from refrigerators. I took a break to squat and chatter to myself atop a short gravel hill under an immense low-hanging tree, peering out on the surrounding hills and fieldworkers
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1-11-22 N and P living in the big house with puppers at Jul-time
31-10-22 being housemates with S, in theory, and possibly my dad again meanwhile as I fret about when/whether she would return, and to what dirty carpet and psychological disarray
Driving with my dad on impossibly bendy roads to a restaurant/resort staffed entirely with tall femme models of widely varying melanation. I awake from the intensity of my criticism of the situation - ultimately of the forces at work within myself - and fall asleep again with the interim conclusion that nonmasculine lives are overanalyzed and I don’t need participate in that.
And then I talk with L via video chat! They roll around on a bed sans clothes, and we laugh a lot
And then S returns! We share a hug and I kiss her on the cheek as I wonder to myself
Oh shrimp, does this person need the support of a sibling instead right now?
Moar:
30-10-22 finding safe places to masturbate outside
29-10-22 living with more housemates: some who had partially dissected a large scorpion which I lie on my front to scrutinize, and which I quickly move away from after several twitches; and others with whom I played among a profusion of stairs and log beams, running and climbing
27-10-22 Dull; vivid; tragic; bright; monotonous; diverse; uncertain; crucial: a pocket universe as my life. The scene is a shabby wooden dock, evening-lit above murky water, encircling a 10x30m rectangle of old corrugated tin sheets - sheds or houses, but 2m high and without doors or other features - and with two 25-degree sets of stairs rising to opposite corner platforms bordered in more tin, and uncertainty. As I approach a corner of the dock, a thick band of outer border metal begins falling toward me, biting off much wood shortly after I step back, and disappearing into the water. Also, sometimes the water is not water, but an empty white void, into which a fall is a kind of death, or suspended uncertainty, until a decision is made to relieve it, or perhaps choose it by returning to the rectangle. And sometimes, it is a black void, brightly compromising opportunities twinkling on slender, treacherous planks above the abyss, waiting to swallow up hope. I seem to grow my hope on one of the upper platforms, as existential tumbling allows, where moss and other plants do their work urgently, with and without help. I feel old up there - ripe, vital, peaceful, connected, full, infinite - and I know that it’s not forever as I pick up a potted plant and set them carefully back among the sphagnum. Not yet.
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21-10-22 blue sky over peak-autumnal deciduous boreal forest found me practicing flying above a brown lake
20-10-22 E had hunted a centaur and left their muscular forearms on the communal table. She asked me to help with a morning post-harvest ritual of uncertain composition, and already prepared, I fit the warm limbs into my sleeves over my own and stepped out to find her in the nearby forest. A few young children playing in the snow seemed unfazed with the state of my body parts, so I was grateful.
My dad and I then found ourselves in a homely little movie theater, blue twilight in the leafless forest outside, waiting in a lull between films. I had a jar of tea on a board in my wheelchair’d lap, and who should stroll up to offer a help but Mads Mikkelsen?! I politely declined, starstruck, and quickly he and my dad incapacitated me with mirth as they began a repartee of utterly Danish dimensions.
Of course, I dreamt of telling E about that dream
Moar: this is tying in with my recent thoughts about humor, specifically coercive humor (anything for a laugh); also agency.
17-10-22 T and I take a few selfies in autumn with shades
16-10-22 childlike WVHS band euphoria
15-10-22 being a teacher, modeling adulthood and healthy boundaries; accountability and neverending learning
14-10-22 hospital scenes, hanging out with A in an interesting half-lit hallway, morphing into being rushed backward in a wheelchair by two masculish friends into the air and a waiting airboat already at speed. We laughed in delight
Then I had a troubled intermezzo, awake and half-awake, during which my intrusive self-critical thought-habits arose with unprecedented clarity: why not give up now, what’s really wrong with me, what am I doing with my life, why aren’t I better; over and over, with enervating familiarity, and also a definiteness that invites action.
Asleep again, however fitfully, I dreamt of living the life of endless negotiations with housemates, S among them. It may have been midwinter, by the shadows, and there were unrest, sadness, and tears. I was pursuing some understanding.
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13-10-22 R! Prepared ALL the food for a meeting she was hosting. Seemed overwhelmingly well organized
Also I ran around another version of WVHS relocating aluminum cans and plastic bouteilles
12-10-22 tapping/dancing out rhythms and getting better at it
9-10-22 running in large interior spaces, often very slowly and thereby somehow provoking ridicule
21-9-22 dancing with S in a museum is what feels like happened; then we had a high school reunion in a building utterly new to me, and the gloom of it was compensated in the smart politics and fundamental solidarity of our conversation and forward movement
16-9-22 So many interesting humans! As some sort of peer, I stand and converse with a diverse group of musicians, seeming to offer and be offered much in the way of support beyond the scope of (albeit uncertain) focus: we’re all youngish and humbly well-dressed, for instance, and as my awareness broadens, I do the same among other groups in a room of shifting dimensions and occasions. I notice that I’m wearing peak enby-at-solstice/pride/direct action attire. Two or more tight bands of fabric wrap my fit torso, with high-waisted leggings and sandals below; tucking probably. With a sense of moving down to layers of ocean nearly untouched by the sun, I then descend to another floor of more groups of people around my age, these being no less interesting; perhaps simply less free/spirited, and more definite and inflexible. One group, however, violently disturbs that paradigm in their unironically hypermasculine advertisement of a new protein powder. Among a profusion of bare and oiled upper cisgender male bodies in poses of angry dominance are images of nuclear explosion, quotations of the utmost cringe, and threateningly erect penises. Wanting to escape their presence, I descend further: realizing that I’m now indeed swimming, however, and that the door has opened downwards above a dark abyssal plain, I swim back up out of the uncertainty. Another time.
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14-9-22 taking unknown drugs for unknown reasons and quickly feeling tired and unfamiliar as I wander with present-day friends in fantasies and variations on interiors of a house of my younger years
13-9-22 on one or more islands, learning and participating in their creation and narratives; the telling becomes distant from the doing until I’m sitting in a dark common area with a big lively group of (fellow?) islanders, telling it again with much laughter and sincerity and playful wrestling, and young-adultishness; more time, narrative pauses, and lights later, I wander a shabby 1/2km loop of common areas and kitchens now abuzz with friends and dirty dishes and friends wringing their hands with me about dirty dishes multiplying in the night cycle of our space station.
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9-9-22 wandering a nighttime bazaar and sampling a psychoactive candy, then lying down to rest it off in a public-access bed; also an insect zoo / pet store mostly constituted by the tiniest of flies
2-9-22 in a sunny hangar-retrofit home of D’s
Talking earnestly with farfar
28-8-22 farmor was living just down the road, in a reconfigured and equally wild and homespun version of M’s old house: I marveled at the cast-iron stove, and not/oddly, at the deep and partly overgrown evidence of another driveway into what was now a gentle hillside
25-8-22 something approaching sound poetry came out of my body in the context of riffing on an otherwise unpleasantly familiar piece favored by some older musicians in a parked car at night. I was happy
22-8-22 deep sea creatures dressed in deep sea garbage give a psa about deep sea garbage with the assistance of a couple of humans, one of whom has to move to an airlock for leaky scuba mask troubles while an audience looks on
?-8-22 many high-school-age musicians with wearable, costume-congruent, and perhaps homemade instruments in various rehearsal spaces; reminding myself that I have desire-obligation to be patient in my address to a student who had said that sexism is not real
13-8-22 rehearsal on a black stage with a concert endlessly and unremarkably imminent; two marimba mallets per hand, so much love
1-8-22 a lot running, and long safe falls on hardwood floors; something involving joining a protest with Beyoncé’s Freedom playing
24-7-22 I WAS A HIMBO. ACHIEVEMENTS UNLOCKED. AAAAAaAAaaAaaaa :))))))
L: soo what happened?
Me: not much, I was just hot; emphasis not on me except for the ambiance of my bare torso
22-7-22 K and a five-ish-year-old version of L and I were perhaps touring a tall old museum, which briefly alternated between bright interiors and bright grassy patches of floating earth and runic megaliths among stratospheric clouds. Returning to the former, I noticed a public-access ladder and crawlspace - with its own tiny uncomfortable white-painted stairs, no less - up to the secret top floor, and suggested that K check it out while L and I stayed behind. I knelt down to read a Cyrillic-alphabet program with her, suddenly excited and asking if she thought that some of what we read corresponded with the Vecher-esque music in the room.
Mo: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8FvilWdpOcc
18-7-22 among other events-not-remembered, I was hosted and fed slightly stale Danish confections by, apparently, a version of myself whose father was D, and who was a bit of an acrobat
Also I had made the toms of my drumset sound better, and practiced on them
6-7-22 biking (yay) under late-summer skies to a creepy 80s version of a large laboratory in the Reichardt building (bleh), where various suspenseful and frightening events reoccurred involving jars of formaldehyde and a staircase to the basement
In hindsight: by their cyclical nature, it feels like I was being invited to interrupt the elements of horror, and that I missed the invitation reminds me of the importance of practice
5-7-22 S sleeping with her head on my lap
1-7-22 riding a fatbike with a very heavy drive chain in wet, late-spring twilight
In a cafe-like environment with many friends sharing food, talking with a squirmy toddler who might be A; going to an adults-only counter to grin about using unaroused genitalia-shaped spice and salt/sugar shakers made of neon-hued glass
28-6-22 friends bitten by zombies; grief and evasion
27-6-22 moving between a parking garage and a catered event space that seemed to be altered every time I left to care for a cat in the former, and who allowed me to put them in a bag, which I then stressfully lost track of amongst the music and dark and humans of the latter
26-6-22 being a Ukrainian soldier? Charged with defending a restaurant and also hosting some sort of potluck: a Russian armored personnel carrier pulls up outside and there is fear and tension in our unit as we raise rifles, until we eventually realize that they just brought the hot dogs
25-6-22 watching P play Morrowind
Cyclically joining chatty, well-dressed peers in walking up and into a seemingly small and homespun concert tower-venue, which very well may have existed, were it not for having also learned, through invisible flight in its endlessly creepy halls and processing rooms, that the tower is in fact the lure of a surrounding slaughterhouse, for humans. I sing - perhaps Doxandeme by Cheikh Lô, perhaps something from Pamyua, but something powerful and grounding - while mock-calmly taking the arm of a friend to try to steer them to safety.
Leftover vibes: I remember wondering if it mattered or if everyone didn’t already know that they were heading to an industrial death. I may have wondered, if so many of my peers love horror, if it was better to let them go have their time with it. None of that made me want to stick around; nor the eventual feeling that I was somehow superior to them. Bleh.
22-6-22 so much joyful running, cyclically interspersed with some nimble jumping in what may be a theater, co-occurring with shared fears of an unhoused veteran with a knife, who actually just needs some time to tell their story and make friends outside
20-6-22 following my dad and his many friends around through an action movie version of possibly the past
12-6-22 I may have destroyed a lot of art at a nice studio; sad, wherefore
11-6-22 playing a brake drum in a percussion section, and then enjoying the stress of controlling its momentum in my hand as I began spinning in place
4-6-22 me among spies having fun doing acrobatic infiltration
3-6-22 soccer, with plenty of friendly antics and sweat and hat changes
Driving maybe a bus to an Alaskan village, eating chili; vibes of being frightened and comforted and learning to relate well within the community of probably Gwich’in folks
31-5-22 Somehow knowing that it was the home of Phil, I tumbled warmly through a few repeating events: taking off bright outer layers to relax with others blending together in the nest; spending time talking with M, probably flirting, at one point involving them gently and somehow naturally holding around my lips as I sang Bubuia walking up a flight of stairs; sitting on the floor absorbed by writing and snacking on a plate of crackers and vegetables, feeling lucid and focused by Phil vibes
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30-5-22 men fighting each other in armies that interested me briefly
Godzilla needed stopped, or was taking a break by discorporating into a powerful and amorphous landslide of new lifematter that seemed worth appealing to thereabouts: blue energy ran like crazed streams among new species of chemophotosynthetes and other mixotrophic golems standing for the first time from beds in an unsuspecting mountain town, and humans spoke with hushed awe about wondrous, transcendental changes in their lives. Transpersonalization was the word I awoke with
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29-5-22 Playing ultimate frisbee in something like the Dena’ina center main room with a variety of discs including my bowler hat: good time
28-5-22 some sort of housebird fertility hardware that apparently got me in the mood: like a cooperative game that they’d play, that a human would bring out for them if it seemed like they needed help with sexytimes
14-5-22 enjoying sexy romantic time with A, who asked something like are we lovers, and I replied that we are now
13-5-22 running! Very fast, for great distances, indoors, eventually in competition; feeling so alive, breathing deeply and rhythmically, good stress on my skeleton
12-5-22 Americans making mild trouble in Italy
And I may have told someone that I love them, somehow surprising them
11-5-22 weird funny friendly rural Russians with cardboard tubs of powdered food and supplements
10-5-22 a movie with a band on one side of a scene, and praise be: the audio corresponded with the movements of the femme percussionist
1-5-22 a bear and a horse wrestling
19-4-22 I’m talkiNG TO CAT KOI
CAT KOI
AAAAAAAAA I DREAMT THESE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES
about the extensive underwater meditation center / theater / middle-earth / greenhouse they steward, then jumping in as some sort of allegory for the necessarily uncertain definiteness and danger of life: I briefly reemerge, as I temporarily forget how to breathe underwater, to hear wisdom from an intense purple humanoid who asked me to imagine a future where what delights and warmly frustrates me is a way to strengthen my relationships, rather than fragment them. Returning to the bliss and grit of the water, I awoke.
Mo: I may have been Luedji Luna when I resurfaced, and the wisdom may have been specifically another reminder to deobjectify sexuality and perhaps list it among other ways of strengthening relationships
18-4-22 taking an elevator to the top of a tall building so I could feel the intensity of taking the stairs two at a time on my feet, calves, thighs
16-4-22 lengthy, sweet soft sublime cunnilingus
14-4-22 falling calmly into an industrial abyss with a longbow and the understanding that I would fire a grapnel into something and proceed in my adventures
3-4-22 dreams about money: poor people paid not enough to disassemble wrecked scrap metals without using tools; living on a cross between an aircraft carrier and an office building, a store sells expensively and then cheaply, and then I practice flying in twilight
31-3-22 trying to find a safe place to pee in dim, depressing, creepy interiors
?-3-22 scads of happy, oiled-up naked people that I rolled past in the eager darkness
?-3-22 a horribly powerful and manipulative woman
?-3-22 walking/hiking with a group through caves and other close places, being warmly welcomed by a disguised ascended sleeper from Morrowind who gave us diseases
21-2-22 being casually killed by a person with an assault rifle as they passed in a restaurant; my mom suddenly dying after helping me with something and I shout and shake her;
15-2-22 in a massive home of E and M’s, full of preserved food that E got on his fingers at one point and offered them to Z or A to lick
11-2-22 climbing up so many stairs
8-2-22 As a fellow nonhuman, I spoke with my nonhuman partner and our child while trimming their crests/horns: something about a cultural-developmental difficulty our child was having, and our perspectives
1-2-22 Feeling and apparently living like a monstrous being in a low unlit cave, I stared at the narrow entrance until a person arrived outside to ask if I needed anything, and at hearing I wanted to be snuggled, said no but here is rabbit fur and the hands of a friend, and I slithered into the bright cold beautiful world to touch them hungrily.
Mo:
31-1-22 having a male lover not unlike myself, whom I half-supported in their wobbly/drunken euphoria down a hallway to bed, and with feelings of distant and aromantic affection; having another lover who was probably femme and whose feelings about me I imagine being about the same; meeting a potentially nonhuman and frighteningly disfigured person, asking for help with a crisis they were in, and finding myself attuned to the extremity of their need and not their appearance
Mo:
22-1-22 practicing flying in nonhuman Chena-proximal environments in summer, having a harder time changing direction and landing softly. I landed on a 45-degree gravel embankment, far removed from the river, with a lost-looking boat boardwalk sticking out in the air over the shoulder of their hill, and found a little kid hiding by some stairs. They seemed to be playing hide-and-seek, but told me a racist joke when I asked how they were doing: I lowered my head in mild sadness, preparing an explanation, then realized that the child may in fact be myself as I surfaced into wakefulness.
Mo:
5-1-22 living with the Gs again: very warm and biodiverse pond on the roof + maybe a cryptid, absurdly precipitous climb of a spiral staircase
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